| NEWS INFO GALLERY MEDIA TRANSCRIPTS FORUMS X |
|
Animorons
Kids love reading about kids who are just like them, only better. Which is why kids love vampire slayers, teen witches, powerful rangers and kids who can turn into pets, er, I mean, ferocious animals. That's why there's a popular series of books about kids who develop the power to turn into freaks, er, ferocious animals. They are the...Animorons. (Tagline: The truth is out there. It sure ain't in here; Title: The Rip-Off (charging $4.99 for this book); Author: AK Applesauce; Publisher: Skullastic) Chapter 1: Woof, er, I mean hi. I'm Drake. That's not my real name because the Evil Visor is after us, so I can't use my real name, which is John Simpson. I can't tell you the names of my special friends, Runty Edison, Cakey McIntyre, Tubby Martin and Harpo Marks either. I can't tell you that we all live in Maple Groves, Illinois, just outside Chicago, exit 7 off Interstate 104. I can't tell you any of that because of the Jeerks. The Jeerks are evil alien parasites who enslave humans by taking control of their brains. The math teacher who flunked you; he's a Jeerk. The Little League coach who benched you is a Jeerk, too. And your big brother is a real Jeerk. Those guys in Washington, DC? Most of them don't have brains, so they're safe. Me and my friends are the only ones who can stop them. An alien called the Coorslite gave us a special power, the power to morph into animals. We are the only hope for mankind: a bunch of domestic animals with the brains of teenagers. Mankind is in deep trouble. Chapter 2: I was in my room licking myself when my best friend, Harpo, came in. "Why are you licking yourself, Drake?" Harpo asked. "You're not a dog anymore." "I know. But I kinda like it." That was the problem with morphing into animal form: you start picking up on their habits. Like, Kibbles 'n' Bits is my favorite snack. And I don't want to tell you what happened when my father caught me drinking from the toilet. "What's up?" I asked. "Cakey found out that Assistant Principal Chumpman is a Jeerk." "How'd she find out?" I asked. "She was outside the detention hall," Harpo explained, "and she peeked in and saw Chumpman sucking the brains out of the students' heads." "Wow! So the graffiti on the wall of the boy's room was right. 'Chumpman Sucks!'" Chapter 3: The gang met up under the bleachers where the others quickly updated me using hip language and pop culture references, just like real teenagers, so readers can better relate to us. "Where's Tubby?" I asked. "He's on his way," Runty replied. "You know how it is now." I did. Tubby, to spy on the Jeerks, had morphed into a snail. We can only stay in animal form for two hours or we'll get stuck as an animal. And Tubby, being a snail and all, by the time he got to the Jeerk's hideout, you know, well, he's pretty much late for everything these days. I guess we didn't think that one through. "Let's morph into animals and spy on Chumpman," Runty said. "So," I asked, "what kind of animals do you find in a school?" "I know," blurted Harpo, "Fish!" Whereupon he morphed into a fish and started flopping around on the ground prompting Runty and Cakey to morph into cats and pounce on him. I quickly morphed into a dog and chased them away, but not before Harpo lost a fin. Chapter 4: It was decided I would turn into a salamander and slip into Chumpman's office. "Just find out what he's doing," Cakey repeated, "and don't lose your head." "He's a salamander. If he does, he can grow a new one," Harpo said. He was fiddling with his new prosthetic arm. he didn't hold a grudge against Runty and Cakey. But he did wish they'd stop looking at his good arm and salivating. Outside Chumpman's office window, I climbed up the wall and into the window. And there was Chumpman flossing his teeth following a snack on a sophomore. But he wasn't alone. The Evil Visor was with him. He was horrible to behold; a giant vile creature that oozed green puss. He had five eyes and looked like he used Austin Power's dentist. Not only that, but he had a zit on his cheek. Compared to this dude, Darth Maul looked like a Ken Doll! "You fool," he bellowed at Chumpman, "how am I suppose to take over this world if you stop every five minutes to suck out students' brains? No wonder their test scores keep going down." "But they're so good. They taste like chicken, your Visorship." "Everything tastes like chicken - frog legs, salamanders," I gasped in fear as I pictured myself in a bucket of Kentucky Fried Salamanders. The Evil Visor added, "Besides, I hate chicken." <Phew,> I breathed a sigh of relief. "I need those brains in the bodies so we can infect and control them," the Evil Visor continued. "Now let me explain my evil plan," the Visor said, when he suddenly looked right at me with three of his eyes. The other two were watching Teletubbies on the tube. Chapter 5: The Evil Visor grabbed me. A bolt came out of his eyes and I morphed back into John Simpson, er, I mean Drake. "So, the Animorons think they can stop me? Well Simpson, I mean, Drake, you can kiss your morphing butt good-bye!" Just then Harpo, Runty and Cakey burst into the office. I yelled out a warning: "Guys, this is the Evil Visor! Now's our chance to get him! Quick, morph into something!" Personally, I felt like morphing into a chicken and getting the heck out of there. They all started to concentrate and soon began to change shape. They were shrinking, and turning black as ink, except their faces, which became pure white. Their ears got long and floppy. Their eyes turned into big black dots and their noses expanded into bright red balls. Chumpman gasped. "What are these creatures?" "I'm Yakko." "I'm Wakko." "I'm Dot. I'm the cute one." "No, you guys! You're suppose to be Animorons, not Animaniacs! How are we going to stop the Evil Visor now?" "Aah, how about like this?" said Yakko, pulling out a mallet and hitting the Visor on the head. "Or this!" Wakko pulled out a cream pie and hit the Visor in the face with it. Dot stuck an exploding cigar into the visor's mouth and lit it...BAM! It exploded. The blackened Visor stood their blinking, but he wasn't through. He pulled a lever. The floor opened up and we were falling! We landed in the boys room, right next to the sign that read "Chumpman Sucks." The door was locked. There was no way out. We were trapped! "There's only one way to escape," I said, pointing to the toilet, prior to turning into a guppy. Cakey made a face. "Before we morph, will somebody please flush it!" Epilogue We made good on our escape and I even got a drink. The visor won this round, that's for sure. But the war's not over. It's a long fight we're in for. We have to defeat the jeerks and save the human race all before the big history exam next week. If you liked this story, we got lots and lots of others you should buy, right now! And don't try getting them at the library, you have to buy them: Other Animoron titles by A.K. Applesauce: The Litter Box
|